Tyrone

As a widowed person, I feel I have a license to say the following. It is not meant to diminish anyones grief, but to say in a light way that one is not expected to wear the title of widowed around ones neck like a noose.

There are those who are made to feel they must remain forever loyal to a spouse who has passed on. They continue to wear a wedding ring years after the passing. Others refuse to move the spouses favorite piece of furniture or leave pictures and other memorabilia in a certain location in the home, because thats where it has always been.

"What would people think?"

Some have a feeling of guilt about giving away closets full of clothes that someone else could make good use of, long after the grief has been put to rest. Other items that were the possessions of their loved one are dust collectors. Some feel moving on in their lives is wrong, even though the grieving has been laid to rest and they have accepted that their loved one is not coming back. Guilt causes them to feel they are being disloyal if they have desires of wanting the companionship of the opposite sex.

I am not suggesting that everyone who loses a spouse will want to create a new family environment after a certain amount of time has passed. There are those who are perfectly happy being on their own. Some find that they are alone, but do not feel lonely. In fact, they would say, It feels good!

Relishing being alone is perfectly normal for some people. Perhaps they have spent 40 or 50 years being responsible for other people like: their children, an elderly parent, their spouse who, perhaps had been ill for a number of years. Time alone could be the goal for some and they are rejoicing in their singleness. Being alone offers them the time to engage in arts and crafts, an opportunity to go back to school, to take a job, or volunteer for a charity that is dear to their heart. New avenues are everywhere.

Letting other's rules, rule you.

Beware of living by someone elses rules. There are no rules for passing through your grief, except that you must deal with it. Recognize it. Learn as much as you can about the phases of grief and work through them. Try not to deny you are grieving. There are those who work too much, do too much, or go too much, just to avoid the painful passages they must travel through. Postponing the inevitable, makes for double duty

Be patient with yourself, cry if you need to, scream if you wish, find laughter when you can. Change what you wish to change, get rid of what you want to get rid of. Let no one tell you how you should feel. Get over it and move on when you feel it is the time for you to move on.

Being selfish is not selfish! Taking care of ones self is a good thing. And the one thing that most widowed people forget is that their spouse would not want them to spend their remaining years drifting along, waiting for life to be over with. If my dead spouse were so vindictive as to expect me to just suffer and remain in limbo for the rest of my days, Id be dancing on cars just for the spite of it, (just joking.)

Grief is a natural response to feeling the loss of a loved one, but grief need not be a life sentence!

Feel free to post a comment on this article, and thank you!

For more tips and tools to on how to survive divorce and loss and make healthy relationship choices you are invited to visit http://www.butterflyintonewlife.com

Patricia Hubbard has Facilitated a Support Group for Separated, Divorced and Widowed people for the past 11 years.